Wednesday, August 10, 2005

mo' money mo' problem

I am not performing at work today. Somehow I lost my concentration and focus. I really looking forward to 5 pm when I can actually drive quickly back home to my small and cosy room and hide. Hide from the true reality of life, hide from my family problems, and top of all, hide from my personal problems. Call me a chicken, but it is too much for a 25 years old women (Iam not a girl, and almost a women) to cope with.

1) I am far away from my close friends and family, in an alien place and new environment,
2) having a crisis in a relationship,
3) trying hard to reduce weight (I dont actually put much effort on this to be frank),
4) doing my best to perform at work and to impress my boss and to manage9 staff
5) my dad is in the hospital, fighting to recover so that the doctor will not take his left leg away,
6) My eldest sister facing crisis in her life, financially, and I love his son very much, therefore her crisis is mine too...
7) My mom is having a never ending arguments with my younger sister
8) My step siblings is trying to out perform me and my sister in impressing my dad (they can pretend and show how concern they are over mydad's health instead of his money)
9) the presure from my relatives on when will I get married (my cousinof my age is getting married early next year, so the pressure isgreater)
10) My own urge to get married and I don't actually have anyone to call my BF...

The list can goes from one page to a full 10 pages. Depending on thedetails and severity...Anyway, here comes 4.30. My boss ask me to come to his room to discuss afew matter. I look at my watch and its already 10 past 5. I said to my bossthat I actually need to go back early today since I have a very importantengagement. He look shock. He didn't even blink an eye... He stare at me asif I have turned into an orange... Eventually he ends the discussion. Iwent straight back home. My friend from tennis called to ask if I want tojoin him at gym. The trainer there which area of my body is my mainconcerned. I said its my leg abviously. So he suggested for me to spend 30minutes on the treadmill. After what it seems like a 30 hours brisk walkingon the machine, I discovered that I have lost 135 calories. I was impresseduntil the trainer actually told me that there is approximately 140 caloriesin a glass of "tea tarik"! Can you imagine that? You spend like 5 minutesto drink a glass of tea tarik and you need an exhausting 30 minutes on atreadmill to lose it! I swear to my self that I will not allow any food topast my throat ever again!Can you keep a secret? I actually eat a slice (a very small slice) ofchocolate cake that my housemate bake that night :-)

Love hurts...

"I have to put an end to all this. Sorry if hopes is wrongly given"
Damn... Its easy said then done. It is my feelings thats hurt, not his, itis my pride in jeorpadize, not his, it is my hopes that is being betrayed,not his, it is me who suffer the consequences, not him!

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Love hurts (II)

It's hard to pretend you love someone when you don't, but it is harder to pretend you don't love someone when you really do."

"How can you just be friends with someone when every time you look at them it makes you want them more?"

"I'm not supposed to love you, I'm not supposed to care, I'm not supposed to live my
life, wishing you were there. I'm not supposed to wonder where you are or what you do, I'm sorry I just can't help myself, I fell in love with you."

Monday, August 08, 2005

cater 2 u

Just got back from KL yesterday. I drove my car accompanied by Ita. I normally enjoy the ride, but yesterday was really tourturing. I really feel like the road is endless... It was only half of the journey when I begin to feel tired and sleepy and dizzy and everything. Everything became blury. I decided to stop. We had lunch at a restaurant near cherating. The food was nice and I feel refreshed. Exchanged a few Sms’s with MB. Wanted to call HH but I have to be strong. It took all the strength I have just not to think of him.... Im confused. I am not sure of my own feeling.. I don’t know whether what I have is love. Can somebody please help me? Suddenly I dont even know what is the definition of love anymore... Nevertheless, I will survive... I have to survive!

Reach home at around 10 pm. Quickly un-packed my bag, had a quick shower and sleep.... My sleep was really deep... And the morning arrive really quick. But I feel better. I feel energized. Arrived office a bit early then usual. Scheduled to have 2 meetings today. The first one is on merdeka celebration at Export Terminal. Hazo, wand and I went for the meeting together. We had a really nice chat about marriage life during the journey (they are both married)... If you think that it is all happy ending, think again!

Hazo envy on all the time that I have in the world. I can manage to sleep 12 hours a day (he..he..he..) For her, 24 hours a day seems not enough. Try this, she has to wake up at 5.30 every morning, prepare breakfast for her family, get her 4 year old son and 7 year old daughter ready for school, sent them to 2 separate locations, rush for work, give 110% on work, rush to fetch the kids at lunch hour and send them to fardu ain in the afternoon, rush back to office again (skip lunch), face the endless job again, rush back after office hour to fetch the kids, arrived home and make sure the kids had shower and feed them. Make sure they did their school work, do the laundry, cook dinner for hubby and clean up the house. As if it is not enough, the sister-in-law is staying with her to top up the mess! She don’t even have time to put on lotion on her hands.

And the best part is, the hubby never appreciate all this. All the male species know is to complaint on how bad the cooking is and how mess the house was. She cannot even find a few minutes in a day to really pamper her self to body scrub, hair treatment, face mask and let alone enough sleep. This is really scary! With all the tight routine... Pimples, under eye bag, wrinkles and blemishes will quickly be your best buddies, your hair will soon be out of the place, and your hubby will conveniently look for a better view. Talking of equality!
Next our conversation shift to the most scary part of being a women, giving birth. Hazo and wan told me on their experience during breast feeding. I never in my life imagine how painful breast feeding can be. How your breast begin to swell with milk, and the pain when the baby actually suck for milk and it fail to came out... Ouch!

But all this, according to the two mother will not be painful if your other half be more supportive and sensitive to our feelings. After all, that is what we promised during the akad nikah right? Through good and bad times, till death do us apart?
But none of the above reduce the excitement that I have in becoming a wife. I really look forward to meet my future "other half". To have someone to come home to after a hectic day at work, to have someone that I can have a decent relationship with, someone to hug me while we lay lazyly on our couch wathcing "sleepless in seatle" or "ghost", someone to put blanket on me and kiss me gud nite... Marriage cant be that bad afterall...

Cater 2 U
by Destiny's Child

Baby, I see you workin' hard
Wanna let you know that I'm proud
Let you know I admire what you do
Don't know if I need to reassure you
My life would be purposeless without you
If I want it (you got it)
When I ask you (you provide it)
You inspire me to be better (ooh)
You challenge me for the better (ooh, ooh)
Sit back and let me pour out my love letter
Let me help you take off your shoes
Untie your shoe strings, take off your cufflinks
What you wanna eat, Boo, let me feed you
Let me run your bath water
Whatever you desire, I'll aspire
Sing you a song, turn the game on
I'll brush your hair, help you put your do-rag on
Wanna foot rub, want a manicure
Baby, I'm yours
I wanna cater to you, boy
Let me cater to you
Cause baby, this is your day
Do anything for my man
Baby, you blow me away
I got your slippers, your dinner, your dessert
And so much more, anything you want
Let me cater to you
Inspire me from the heart
Can't nothing tear us apart
You're all I want in a man
I put my life in your hands
I got your slippers, your dinner, your dessert
And so much more, anything you want
I wanna cater to you
Baby, I'm happy you're home
Let me hold you in my arms
I just wanna take the stress away from you
Making sure your that I'm doing my part
Boy, is there something you need me to do
If you want (I got it)
Just say the word I (I'm a try it)
I know whatever I'm not fulfillin'
Another woman is willing
I'm gonna fulfill you, mind, body and spirit
I promise ya, I keep myself up
Remain the same chick you fell in love with
I'll keep it tight, keep my figure right
I'll keep my hair fixed, rockin' the hottest outfits
When you come home late, tap me on my shoulder
I'll roll over
Baby, I heard you, I'm here to serve you
If it's love you need, to give it is my joy
All I wanna do
Is cater to you, boy
I wanna give my breath, my strength, my will to be there
That's the least I can do, let me cater to you
Through the good, the bad (the bad), the ups and the downs
I'll still be here for you, let me cater to you
Cause you're beautiful (you're beautiful), I love the way you are (you are)
Fulfill your every desire, your wish is my command
I wanna cater to my man
Your heart, so pure, your love shines through
The darkness, we'll get through
(So much) so much of me is you (is you)
I wanna cater to my man
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